more is more…

today i woke up on the wrong side of the bed

we went for a walk, had a lovely morning but i was in a funk

i had some errands to do after naps so i took a quick shower, put on some nice smelling lotion, a skirt and top, cute shoes and a little make-up

it was just what i needed

i am not saying this to reveal my inner vanity, but to say that putting more effort in how i was presenting myself to myself went a long way.

i felt so much better and perkier

it caused to me to think about all of the days i have felt very blah lately and realized i have been a slob.

now i know many lovely ladies that pull of the sweats outfit with class, but i look can’t manage it. i look frumpy and that’s not for me.

my dear friend shauna always puts just enough effort into how she looks that all of her good features and qualities shine without being showy or overdone. she was my inspiration today

during the school year i have to–no, get to dress nice every day and i have quickly forgotten how good i feel when i do.

while i am very vain and consider far too much what others see when they look at me, this is not about them

it is about me and how i present myself to me but it is also about the change that subsequently takes place.  i became cheerful, productive and…springy

i used to watch “what not to wear” all of the time and that is what they are always preaching; take care of yourself with just enough effort to let your inner you shine.

happy friday everyone!!

the essence of summer…

this is one of the first summers in many many years that i have been able to say i am really relaxed.

the girls and i have spent everyday at the beach, at a pool or lazing about and i love it.

i have read 7 books so far, kept my house reasonably clean and have only done laundry twice.

i feel like such a rebel, but at the same time i am so happy to just be…

a backword world…

i have had two recent…incidents in which being honest has not paid off.

times when i could have lied to get what i wanted, but told the truth and instead, got a glare and was turned away.

day in day out i preach to my students and my kids about the value of being honest and look what happens. how far does the idea of having integrity really take you?

during the more recent incident of the two happenings, i asked the woman refusing to be nice, “so, even though i was honest just now and no harm will result in you helping me, you still won’t help me out?”

she said no.

i asked if this was company policy thinking perhaps she didn’t want to break any rules

she said, “no, i just don’t want to help someone i don’t really have to help”

what can i say to that (i said wow because i was at a loss)…eloquent, i know.

i should have thanked her for laying out such a teachable moment for me and my 5 year old

my baby is 1

ella is one today. this year has been so fun.  because i know she is our last, i have really tried to soak up every moment of her life.  i loved the baby stages and watching her get very squishy and now as she adventures out in the walking world. she has such a sweet personality and she is a constant blessing to me.  this is a picture of her first tastes of sugar.  it was a blissful moment for her. she is a babe after my own heart.

the sleep that alludes me…

Eric is gone at hume for the week. i can’t sleep when he is gone. it’s not fear, it’s the inability to make my mind stop. i should be beyond tired as this is my second night staying up this late and usually i am in bed by 9 or asleep on the couch anyway.

i want to sleep, but at the same time it sounds boring. good grief what is wrong with me.

i have a lot on my mind lately.

i should blog about it…i will. i just have to work it out in my head first.

i don’t mean to brag but…

it’s not like i didn’t already know this, but i am married to the most amazing man.

we all know his claim to fame in aiding accident victims at the corner of tustin and fruit street but on this day he was my hero.

just over a week ago, i was driving to simi valley with my girls to visit my mom.

we were driving near the citadel when the car in front of me slammed on the brakes leaving me very little time to stop. i slammed into them scaring ella and hurting gracie’s chest. i asked her if she was okay and she cried saying her chest hurt.

i called 911 (my first time. they put me on hold)

they sent the fire dept and paramedics.

after i hung up with 911, i called eric to tell him he needed to come get us and that the ambulence was on its way because grace was hurting.

he immediately hung up and started the drive to us.

what i couldn’t see was my precious husband running through the house to grab grace’s “ellie” (a stuffed elephant that is her most prized possession) and her favorite barbie then driving like a madman and praying fervently.

in the meantime, the fire dept came and checked out grace, examining her to make sure she was okay (she was) and they left. i barely got my poor car off the freeway and we waited for our knight in shimmering armor.

when he showed up, his face said everything and my heart did a leap of joy to feel safe again.

the girls and i climbed into the car which was when i saw it. i looked down and saw ellie and ariel and knew what he had been thinking.

i can’t imagine what his mind and hear must have gone through hearing me say the ambulence was coming for his precious girls and then trying to get to us.

it made my heart so happy that he knows each of us so very well and thought about what he could do to comfort grace in her fear.

he is such a good man, dad, friend and pal and i am so very blessed to have him.

really, who needs jack bauer?

i don’t want to be a master…

okay, so i’m officially finished with my student teacher and here are some of the things i learned about myself…

1. i prefer doing my job opposed to watching someone else. i actually started to feel depressed at just sitting there day after day.

2. i’m still in the mode of personal/professional growth and therefore not ready to be a “master” to anyone. i like changing, growing and revamping myself as a teacher and a person.  not the case with everyone in this world apparently.

3. not everyone sees things the way i do. this is an area that the student teacher and i butted heads about a lot. i don’t think it is about who is the better teacher as much as where priorities lie in the classroom.

4. accepting constructive criticism and a willingness to change is easier said than done.  she originally said that she wanted a lot of feedback but part of the translation that i missed was that she was only talking about positive feedback.  i’m a pretty critical person.  of myself and even of others so i really tried to be careful with what i said, but things still did not get taken well which was me as much as it was her.

5. being in charge of adults is way less fun compared to kids.  my kids are funny and creative and completely individually unique to me.  when i am in my classroom, i see the individual.  in retrospect, i am sure i was not like that my first year teaching, but it is something i have worked to develop and am now very passionate about so i can see why she struggled with it.  your first years are spent trying to juggle everything until you realize that it’s about priorities and strengths not perfection.

6. i love love love my job.  i love my students and i love my school and love my class-roommate, becca, and i don’t want to give any of that up or share with anyone else.

7. i am very interested in working with new teachers, just not the student kind.

time to get your fierce on…

it is that time of year again.

America’s Next Top Model is back!!!

the newest cycle started this past week.

this one takes place back in new york and the girls are just as wonderful as a group of reasonably unintelligent, teach me to be pretty and cruel girls can be.

to celebrate, my sister Michelle and I made homemade pizzas (homage to NY) and salads (homage to models)

we did rebel against model behavior and opted not to purge it up afterward, but we do have photos to show off our own model moves.

it was a great night.

let the fierce-age begin!!!

the art of becoming…

today was ella’s baby dedication and then we went to lunch with some family and friends.

eric and i both took a moment to say something about what this day meant to us.

i’d been mulling around in my head for a few days now about what i wanted to say and i had this revelation:

what i want to pass onto my girls is the art of “becoming“.

i hope i never arrive but only continue to “become“. i never want to be finished or complete until i reach heaven.

i get so bogged down by my shortcomings because i have this absurd idea that i’m never going to arrive at a given character trait.

i’m right though. i won’t arrive and i don’t think that is the point. if i can teach my girls one thing, it’s that the journey of life we are on is not about the destination because that comes no matter what, but it is about the art of becoming that which we have been called to be. i want them (and myself) to always be willing to change, grow and live these character traits without the notion of arrival but more along the lines of redefining.

lately, i feel that several people in my life have pointed out my flaws as if i should know better than to have them. as if i should have arrived at and succeeded in some character trait. well, i stink at life…often. i feel like i spend a lot of time apologizing and this week in my realization of “becoming“, i found myself being okay with apologizing as long as i can keep in my mind that i am sorry for any hurt or frustration i cause, but not for being in process.

i just always will be and i don’t plan on changing that part of me.

i like growing, i like the idea that i won’t be the same “next time” because i am becoming something better.

i’m always trying to get my students to try and become a better version of themselves and yet get annoyed with myself for not being just right.

well, no more.

i’m practicing the art of becoming.

defining moments…

there are several defining moments in everyone’s life. moments that take us to a new level, moments that mean nothing to one person and yet mean everything to us.

grace has learned to whistle. it took her awhile, but she got it.

this took me back to my own defining moment of learning to whistle. it is a day that remains so clearly imprinted in my memory.

allow me to set the scene…

i was four years old(see photo below)

in the kitchen, my birth father is standing at the counter making us sandwiches and whistling. (he was extremely tall)(i’m adopted, birth parents past away, defining moment for another day)

i look up at him and ask him how you know how to whistle (much in the same way grace recently asked me)

he squatted down to my level and showed me how to purse my lips and blow.

it’s this combination of a flashing moment in time yet a detailed, intricate piece of my memory

there is so much more to that memory, the smell of mustard, the twinkle of pride in his eye when i finally did it.

the way he seemed so very very tall to my tiny four year old self.

the melodic sound of his own whistle.

it’s almost like i get to look at that memory from third person standing outside of myself

and then flash to today when grace did the same thing and the opposite happened.

i was four and working so hard to make my mouth do my bidding.

the look in her eyes when she got it to work was priceless all strangely familiar.

she practiced throughout her “naptime” because she didn’t want to lose the feeling of how to do it right.

life is beautiful.